Category: Coma

My walk got worse after the gym last week, after two visits, hopefully it’s getting close to the last bad turn as the brain adjusts. There has been many setbacks. It seems to be getting better but then it always takes a large step back. It’s been doing that since I left hospital. But I believe repetition helps the brain develop new pathways. I suspect that the only reason I can now walk badly is because of the gym, even if my stride has had setbacks we must be repetitive in our actions. Perhaps for hearing or other issues we need to practice and be repetitive too, if we are listening to the piano just always affirm mentally that indeed it is the piano. I watched the ‘coma’ documentary from the US and it described such issues for other coma victims, hearing and the like. I don’t believe I will ever be normal again just approaching it as I now am. Luckily enough for me my hearing or sight wasn’t effected but we don’t know what was, human perception is a subtle thing, as is the workings of the brain. We must make efforts. I can remember Christmas, a celebration of the birth of christ where all people represents christ and get presents. And so we give gifts to everyone we know, it’s life’s birthday. A new walking stick for me please.

Well back to the main point of this blog, recovery. I suspect my right leg is slowly improving by trying to place it deliberately with every step. Walking has always been difficult since coma but focussing my mind might help. So much for just simply walking like I previously could. We recently went for a massage while in Indonesia but as always at massage centres I got cramp in my right leg and needed to stand up for a moment. My calf appears to be locked. I also often get cramp just lying in bed trying to sleep and must also take action and stand to try and overcome it. At massage and lying in bed I often get cramp, perhaps there is a better way to describe it, my muscles there go taut. Sure I’ve always had problems like that especially with my toes but it seems to be my entire leg now. I think placing the foot more deliberately is helping, just trying to be conscious of it in my mind. To relearn my leg and its operation the pathways in the brain need to become accustomed to the leg’s nuances. My brain needs to control it’s parts like toes and calf muscles.

Coma victims, well I went to the gym recently to progress my recovery and try to get into better shape but running on the tread mill my toes started bleeding and it’s taken until now for them to start healing, coma badly effected my right foot. My toes don’t know how to behave normally anymore, they just do their own thing. However since that session they are getting closer, I hope to be able to try and run again late next week. I’ve experienced many setbacks with my right leg but more than 4.5 years after coma I remain hopeful, please brain develop the new pathway. Perhaps in another 4.5 years I’ll be able to walk normally again. It still feels very different to my good foot, something akin to constant subtle pins and needles. Just lying in bed I often get a cramp in my right leg and must stand for a bit to get rid of it, after sleeping too it can happen! The picture is actually how my resting foot looks, I’m not trying to make it look like that.

Dear fellow coma victims, it seems memory can return after 4.5 years. Being around places of the distant past stimulates recollection. Neurologists suggest the brain can develop new pathways and perhaps memory can work again.

I’m very tired of mundane conversations around niceties. Just the typical things people say when you meet them. I don’t mean stuff like the weather or topic of interest but self centred egotistical stuff. There are of course many examples of people whose focus went beyond niceties, Kafka and Steiner come to mind. I have apparently always thought that the average person never really considers existence. These thoughts reveal a distant me, apparently I was always troubled by the average Joe. Keep returning to me my former self.

A memory… The picture is of my favourite painting in the NGV, the Melbourne gallery. I like it because it’s a depiction of potato gathering, a fundamental during the time it was painted. I discovered it was called October
 (Saison d’octobre) 
1878 Jules Bastien-Lepage, I always referred to it as the potato gatherers.

Dear fellow coma victims, I have been thinking about my toes again, I believe that they are so fundamental to walking and as important as legs themselves. I was always trying to stop them pointing to the heavens but now they point to hell. I should let them interact with my brain however they choose rather than attempt to influence the new pathways myself. Maybe it does and doesn’t work the things I have said on this blog, who knows, but now the problem is with the toe next to the big one, it’s permanently low and doesn’t move upwards with each step like the good one. It makes me think not to over analyse my body parts but let them interact naturally with my brain to develop new pathways.

I’ve been progressing so well that rather than this website my focus has been on my other two sites and trying to find work. Indeed I’m ready to work again. In many messages with a close friend about work he suggested that I sound like a colleague in my technical discussion with him. I do know IT very well having worked in senior positions for more than 15 years. Now I build and manage my own websites, one of which aspires to technology support, the most developed page on that is the one about Weebly. I copy the links below to my other 2 websites, 3 in all including this one… resumè 

Dear fellow coma victims,

All things I speak of on this site are just common sense really, I continue. When running at the gym, I do that regularly, I only use my legs and never move my arms. I was asked again today if I’m a stroke victim. After more than a year of running I still don’t appear normal and I’ve noticed that I’m not moving the right arm at all like everybody else does. When I try to move my arms in coordination with my legs the right goes out of time and jerks about. There are so many subtle things the brain has forgotten, new pathways are forming. Previously my focus was on my right ankle which gradually improved, it’s not there yet. Now it’s my arm while running or walking. I can remember that I had a habit of placing my hand across my chest while walking, people would sometimes ask if I was ok thinking my heart was a problem. An old comfortable habit has returned, but as such my arm doesn’t move about.

The same kind of thing happens with our memories of past events, but I’m focussing on my body parts first. I hope when they are working properly other things will return too, perhaps the memory of a Christmas they all tell me about. I always think about how to best recover and with every step I take wonder. My improvement has only been through endeavour, not the brain healing naturally but by it’s use. I always wonder too if I’m behaving normally. I consider if I’m choosing the right words in conversation or on this site frequently rewriting posts. I always try. We can get there in the end through perseverance. Unfortunately there is no drug or operation to fix coma victims, no antibiotic or such. We must use the brain and try.

Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy (HBOT) is considered in the documentary ‘Coma’ that tracks several victims. One victims brain couldn’t process sound, for me it’s the right side of my body. They noticed progress after HBOT. A victim couldn’t walk in the water unaided before but could after. For my recovery I too noticed improvement after HBOT. My twin brother put me on a course at the established therapy centre http://www.hypermed.com.au. I think my brain started to improve after each session in an oxygen chamber.

The person who administered HBOT was a proven Australian therapist by the name of Mal Hooper. I suspect HBOT began my recovery. Several friends contributed to the costs of HBOT. So my advice to other coma victims is definitely try it. For me it was to be put in an oxygen chamber for about an hour 4 times in a month, the belief being that oxygen is central to the health of cells. Especially brain cells.

Well fellow coma victims, back to much more important subjects than my previous post about magic, going to the toilet. My walking appears to be improving again as it did after my last visit to the scene of the crime, Thailand. I’ve stopped using my stick, my walking still looks quite appalling but I’m almost confident that I will make a permanent go of it this time, we must keep trying. Oh and my use of the facilities seems to be normalising too. I used to get up 5 or more times a night to urinate but last night only twice. There, I’ve returned to much more important subjects for coma victims other than magic. Personally I quite liked the last post but irrelevant for my fellow victims. A much more important topic the toilet.

Dear fellow coma victims,

It’s been a little over 4 years since my descent into coma for 3 months and I’m finally learning about my body parts again. It has taken a long time for my brain to remember each body part, to develop new pathways for communication.

I always need to focus on turning my ankle when walking, perhaps it is starting to occur more naturally. I have begun to understand that it’s a slow process to recover from coma, only through repetition things have improved for me. Perhaps the brain’s new pathways need to acquire the complexity for that body part.

It’s close to 3 years since I left home to return to Singapore and get married. I have been trying all the while to resume my life and not be a burden to my family. We must always try to be ourselves after coma. My memory has even improved a bit. The toes on my right foot still do their own thing and point to the heavens, perhaps that is a more subtle pathway in the brain, a foot is quite complex when you think about it. As the doctors said “time will be your best friend”. I can even remember that they said that, not at which hospital but just the words.

Fellow coma victims,

I needed to calculate my age recently, something we always just know automatically. When thinking about a family event, my mothers 80th birthday, age was a point of interest for me, to compare my age to other siblings in a photo. I had to calculate my own age. My word the coma has effected my mind. I had to think of the year I was born, I remember that still, and calculate from the current year. Something we just know, a brute fact, I can forget because of my coma, I mostly recall my age but not when I summoned it.

I’m 48, I will remember my age now, I always knew I was old but when my mind needed the actual figure I couldn’t remember what age I was. I knew it was near 50 which is true. It’s just normal functioning of the brain to remember ones age immediately. I know now that coma causes this kind of thing, displacement of the individual. We will get there if we keep trying to think of ways to combat the damage caused. It really has become the focus of my life, my recovery, normalisation, that and to be happily married. Is that a normal thought? That and the cramps I always get in my right foot, quite a common affliction the Internet tells me. Drinking not enough water and bad circulation the main causes listed, nothing about coma.

Dear fellow coma victims, some people say my improvement is remarkable, I don’t know what gives this impression? Perhaps because I’m out of my wheelchair. I thought to provide you with another daily activity of mine in case that is the cause, helping. Thanks to my wife and identical twin brother I have been on a vitamin regime since I came out of coma, perhaps that is the root cause of my progress. I have been taking these: brahmin, gingko biloba, fish oil, milk thistle, anti oxidants and multi vitamin. I suspect Brahmin the most likely to heal my brain. I also think constantly about how to recover, using my brain to reflect upon things, maybe that is also helping, to think deeply, who knows? Anyway perhaps it is my vitamin intake so I must include the details here.  Oh I should mention that I’m using my walking stick again, “no recovery, each day’s a terrible discovery” a song came to mind.

Fellow coma victims, I think the most important thing in my recovery progress was leaving my walking stick at home and trying to hobble without it. Over the past month I have noticed improvement, my brain seems to be making permanent the new pathways to communicate with the right side of my body. Even my right hand seems to be improving but I still type with my left. We must push ourselves and our brains to relearn how to do things with the effected parts like walk, brush our teeth, we should lather in the shower using the right like we did before coma. One needs to consistently go beyond the comfort zone after coma, or stroke I imagine. I noticed today having not used my stick for about a month that places where I always found it difficult to walk were better. I always have an issue with walking over lines in the pavement for some reason. When walkways turn into bricks in the pavement it is particularly hard for me, but I try to look ahead and not study the pavement which I thought helped just now. I could even walk over lines rather than needing to stop but I still look like a cripple. The doctors in Thailand who are experienced in these kinds of accidents said after MRI scans that I would have problems with the right side of my body, so accurate they were.

Update: I had to start using my stick again, it takes so long for the brain to develop new pathways. I started using it again on 1/3/2016

The memory return began with Stephen, my friend, mentioning Yelza, a bar I frequented when I lived in Melbourne. He spoke of a New Year’s Eve party on the year 2000 at my place in Cambridge street, all subtle memories but

I can almost recall it. My memory has started returning through rediscovering my music collection. After Melbourne I went to Germany then when I came back home I went to Singapore, in all about 15 years. Developing my music collection has really helped, I can even remember lyrics.

To my fellow coma victims, it really is a constant struggle now that our brains have been damaged. It seems to be a process of ups and downs, just when you thought you were improving it suddenly gets much worse. All I can say is what the doctors told me, time is your best friend. I think I’m at the end of hoping to return to former times, just trying my best to accept this new me. My only advice is to keep active in the hope that the new pathways in your brain can become entrenched. Chin up dear victim and carry on how  you want to live, otherwise it would have been better to be over for us.

What a fantastic day yesterday was. Recovery from my human reboot seems to be taking a very long time. To be reunited with some of my old things inspired memory. I just feel yesterday was something of a turning point. Let’s hope it continues as we collect more from the previous life prior to my reboot.

After more than three years I finally did it today, a short walk to the local MRT coffee shop without my walking stick. A real sense of achievement. It was tricky and I will only do it for very short distances at first, but the brain can recover. Just thought to share this milestone with you guys, we must keep trying, a macchiato my friend?

First I was confined to bed, then wheel chair, moving on walking frame, then walking stick and now without anything, let’s hope it keeps improving, I’ll need wings next…

Day 2 of trying to walk without my stick, a very treacherous business, took about 5 times longer and I almost fell. I look at others and we all have our problems, mine are just physical, my brain has lost it’s relationship with my body, those pathways have been severed, it’s not just my leg, I get cramps in the most unusual places these days …

Day 3, back to using my stick all the time…

I cannot believe how badly this coma has effected my walking. Just to go to the local coffee shop, a distance of perhaps 300m takes a long time, a very long time I haven’t measured, yesterday I became concerned about making it back home. It’s a very small hobble, perhaps just the length of a ruler my hobble, 100cm.

A sane person would just stay at home but unfortunately I caught insanity many years ago, I personally think just to keep trying to walk helps my brain to understand it again, for it seems to have forgotten. Coming to Raffles place today people looked at me like a cripple. I have walked the terrain many times per week, and go to many other places, it’s so damn embarrassing. I can’t believe the deterioration. I thought my brain would slowly heal, that’s what everyone tells me. It seems insanity has returned to my brain. People think there are some activities I can do to help but it really is just my brain, no physical damage at all, just my consciousness.

Dear fellow coma victims,

Recovery is a reconstruction of self.

It has been the most difficult time of my life, re-establishing identity, independence. My family took other views on how to proceed. They contested many things including my marriage and finances. I was legally challenged at a government VCAT court hearing. We shouldn’t control people’s lives but accept the choices they make. It has been a tumultuous experience for all concerned. I accept my family’s difficulties but try living it.

I would just be another consumer amongst the 8 billion of us without my experiences. We all have unique lives and try to live according to the values we have understood, experienced. Thanks coma for enriching my experience, just let me walk again. 

Dear fellow coma victims,

Recovery is a reconstruction of self.

It has been the most difficult time of my life, re-establishing identity, independence. My family took other views on how to proceed. They contested many things including my marriage and finances. I was legally challenged at a government VCAT court hearing. We shouldn’t control people’s lives but accept the choices they make. It has been a tumultuous experience for all concerned. I accept my family’s difficulties but try living it.

I would just be another consumer amongst the 8 billion of us without my experiences. We all have unique lives and try to live according to the values we have understood, experienced. Thanks coma for enriching my experience, just let me walk again. 

My memory and walking are too bad that no-one would conceivably hire me. People on the train appear accepting of our lot, and financially focused. I wonder when they will see more in life and become frustrated with our systems and the crazy things we do that take us away from the magic of existence. Probably they all desire not to work but are so accepting of what human civilisation impose on people.

Back at last to the scene of the crime, a different place though in the same country, Ao Nang, Thailand. Less of the mundane here, less of the regiment, definitely preferable. My memory and walking are so bad, I struggle to even remember the last time I was here, having been to Thailand many times I find it hard to remember any of them. I can remember koh Samui and some places there like Chaweng and Lamai, I have been to many but can’t remember anything about my visits. Appalling really. Life has become very difficult indeed when you are constantly questioning and not remembering.

Dealing with the legacy of coma is trying. After 3 years we expect improvement but it sometimes gets even worse. I must try harder, if I could only be told what to focus on. So depressing, I think life generally is, even for normal types. Perhaps I was always depressed, I think it’s all starting to come back to me. I’m sorry for any negativity, just trying to be honest and get off the roller coaster. We must merely keep earnestly trying with every movement of our bodies and thought of the brain.

Couldn’t sleep last night. Perhaps I slept for too long and I’m making up for it. A 3 month stint is pretty long, and the associated rest. But as I have always said, from early childhood I believe, they are both excellent states, being awake and asleep, just with different sources of data. Maybe tonight I will sleep.

Another song come to mind, “no recovery, each day is a terrible discovery”. Probably you come here for a coffee with me to see how I’m recovering. I suspect it’s going as well as can be expected, I’m trying to think and walk again. It seems to be a very very very long process. Today I don’t expect to ever walk normally again. Perhaps too my thinking has been altered, but for the better I think, thinking. It’s been a great opportunity to assess my life, the ‘about me’ page does that. This section ‘thoughts’ also assesses my life and what I’m think about today, I’m healing. A macchiato my friend?